Five beers into a bad day tomorrow and binge listening to Pope by Prince. "Seek and destroy, fuck you up."
It's hard to want to ever be out of this space where I feel so much energy and I hate thinking I need to get out of it just because it is alcohol fueled delusion. That last part will pass tomorrow.
Today I went on adventure day with my family. Packed up my hubby and dog in his truck and headed out to walk - or at least recon - some trails. Beautiful, sunny day, a bit cool which is perfect for dogsters. Isn't it Pinterestesque? I could so work it that way especially if I'd add a picture with my pseudo-famous smile in it. Cheese.
So here's some truth.
I was miserable today. Mostly, because I am impatient, unhappy, grumpy, demanding ... I've turned into some scared little shit who isn't even up to the bullshit big efforts that used to define my efforts. I feel just about pathetic as a piece of shit in a top hat.
I surrendered today. I'll more than likely wake up at war again, based on tonight's beer intake, but today I gave up. I accepted that I am NOT HAPPY. I am not content. I believe I am a searcher. I can give you the current short list of things I want to do, but I no longer think they will make me anything. Definitely not happy.
Think that realization helps? Not a fucking bit. I am miserable. I grapple with depression and suicidal thoughts.
I'm a sad seeker. Someone who wants to run. My favorite quote is "just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand" and that is a quote by Homer Simpson. I see patterns. I get a lot. I'm fucking smart. But whatthefuckeverdude. This is me. Some kind of conundrum, an up and down. I am over trying to be the bundle of great stuff because I so am not. Not gonna be that elderly cute lady you all remember after she's gone. I am not together. I am a wreck.
If we happen upon each other, I will be good to you. I am loyal, smart, dogged, tough, kind, funny .. but I don't know how to reach out. I am existentially twist-tied. Bullshit. Fucked. A bit drunk. Carry on. And go listen to Pope by Prince.
And be vegan. Even today I managed not to kill anything on purpose and that's pretty goddamn good.